There but for the grace of god go I

by Ishani

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03:34

about

songs I wrote and shoddily recorded on an iphone in chicago on a six week long traipse across the states. they are all to my boyfriend, who i missed dearly. sorry i didn't edit anything properly.

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released January 22, 2015

i love you will. i'm sorry the songs i write you don't have enough chords for you to like them.

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Ishani London, UK

all over the place

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Track Name: (Doo Doo, Doo)
all my fingers feel so tired and i still paint my nights away
all my wits are at their end and i’ve spent full days staring at my shoes
my coat’s beside the door and i don’t wanna hang it up beside the keys
i belong with you but that doesn’t matter because i’m here

sometimes i wonder if you miss cigarettes
i think it’s because i’m surrounded by the smoke and
i can’t cut through any more than i can fly home

i’ve called your eyes a sunset but i can’t remember how they fall
can’t remember if i’m breathing when i’ve nothing but this empty bed
and i say i miss the weather even though here’s not short of rain,
say i miss everything about home

sometimes i write your name on mailboxes
i hope all the letters inside make their way to you
i hope you read them all in confidence
i hope at least one of them will make you understand,

[doo do doo]

i’m still afraid of drinking but everything goes faster now
it’s so slow to watch the earth as it turns around the numbers on my arm
i’m so afraid of speaking but everything i say is yours
it’s so hard to send my words across five thousand miles every day

but i’ll make it home [doo doo doo]
but i’ll make it home
but i’ll make it home
but i’ll make it home
Track Name: Marceline
it’s been a long time since i saw you standing in the doorway
and you said to me, this is a matter of tomorrow not today
but all i want is to feel like i’m not struggling between the times
how i wish that all my fingers were untied

and oh your little love
i hear it echo off the void, i feel it warm me up to the core
you are the world
and i fly in rings around you and i wonder where to land

i wake up to you wrapped around me like a second skin
and i miss pulling you closer, so i can breathe you in
i wish i were small enough to fit in your pocket
i wish i could lick the sunlight off of your shoulders
Track Name: Sun
these quiet nights are leading to some secondhand beliefs
that i would rather see your hand in mine than walk a lonely street
in the darkest time of winter, just so i know i will grow
i think i hear you singing in the morning but it’s me
how can i mistake your words for mine, they’re clumsy and you speak
so far deeper into everything that i have ever held for you than i will ever know

and i say i’m tired of being almost every other day
and i’m asking for a chance to prove i know what i am doing
but i don’t know what to look for and you don’t know what i’d trade
to come back home to you in bed and kiss the freckles on your face

people know i’m tired of being half a world away
and they pity me but they don’t know my mind is in a maze
trying to sprout the feet to run to you, trying to grow a second skin
no matter how much time i spend here in the sunlight
i never peel back far enough to feel like i am new
and i never peel back far enough to let the light in

i’m afraid of thinking that this time will go too fast
i drink in all the good things but you’re the only one that lasts
i’m not saying i’m exhausted, but i’m very very close
to giving up, waking up next to you is what i miss the most
Track Name: Lighter
i hope you know that i look for you in everyone i meet
and you are stuck inside the corners of my eyes when i sleep
i wake up looking through you even though i know that you aren’t here
but then i blink and i remember you’re not next to me
there’s a quiet room for me to watch outside, it speaks
with a voice that sounds an awful lot like rustling all the leaves
i stand outside at night, basket in hand beneath the trees
i will catch them all before they fall, i promise

i feel like it’s our first date again
and i’m inching my fingers towards your hands
and right now i’m so sad because your hands are so far away from mine
but now you’re my hero and you keep me safe
and i guard you too in a different sort of way
i know it’s hard but i’ll come back again and everything will be lighter

i write three chord songs about how you are not around and
i write you letters but we both know it’s a coping means for now
i hope you smell the ink to look for me like i’m between the lines
i hope you don’t because it probably doesn’t make for a great time
i feel elusive but it’s just i can’t be everywhere at once
i feel inadequate because i’m just here sitting in the sun
shaun is telling me with certainty that you miss me back
he’s trying to help but we both know that i already know that